I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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