HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize