My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
