i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I have aggressive nipples.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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