true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
