Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize