I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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