I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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