I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
