I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
