on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
