How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
