im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
