I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize