Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
