God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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