Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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