hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
