Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize