So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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