I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
