Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
