She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
