Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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