Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
