I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
