I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
