I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
