I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
3 2 1 whiskey
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize