"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
