I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
