Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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