You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
