wrigley field is MILF paradise
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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