i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
