Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
