just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
