I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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