my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize