The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
