haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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