I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
