I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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