Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We are all done wearing pants today
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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