omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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