i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Fuck appropriateness.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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