I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
