In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
