Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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