it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
