The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is it penis luge time yet?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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