Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
