you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
