i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
