My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
