Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
