I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How naked do you want me to be?
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