i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
