then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
