we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize