sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
