I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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